When there's nothing left to burn

You have to set yourself on fire

Today was one of those special days. The kind that makes you wish you had the ability to stick your hands in hot coals repeatedly and not get those ugly blisters afterwards. It's been a trying month...year.

My grandfather passed this year. I didn't really get to say goodbye. He didn't know me, he didn't remember... and the added injury of knowing that I was booking the ticket to go see him that very week just makes things burn even more.

Intentionally blocking out the bad makes things easier. I've found my coping mechanism yet when the flood gates are open it all comes crashing down around me.

My uncle passed last month. I went back to Trinidad for the first time in 13 years. It was heartbreaking. My memories seemed so much more pleasant...being back took the fondness away. The only upside seemed to be being in the ocean. There's a different peacefulness that comes from being in something that feels so infinite. Being in the ocean feels like you're being washed of all sins. It's liberating.

I feel as though things have started to improve a bit. I'm not quite sure how...but I am hoping better will come. I just have to keep pushing on. Survival. Surviving becomes a constant during the days..at nights I deal with the unknown stresses I can't seem to face in the light. I miss Matthew. I miss talking with him...

27

It's June 30th 2013. I'm now 27 and these last few years have been interesting. At 21 I met Ray. Ray was 27 and worldly. Entrancing blue eyes and incredibly smart. Oh intelligence...I was a sucker for the smart ones. The ones that could teach you a few things about life and the world. He was unattainable...another one of those characteristics that I seem to be drawn to like a moth to a flame. The unattainable ones reek of passion and adventure...danger and intrigue. It was a whirlwind and as quickly as it began...it ended. It ended with me landing in jail. Apparently I have a temper second to none and though Carrie got the point across in her song...I just ended up with a record. Unfortunately that didn't seem to deter the passion. We fucked each other on and off for another 3 years after that.

Though there were many a love affairs, I opened my heart to Matthew. I was in love with him, the kind that makes you giggle, the kind that makes you question your sanity... that makes you feel. I cried many tears for Matthew. He was perfect. Tall, smart, sensitive...a good soul. He drove me nuts but he thought me patience...something I had never dared to master. I'm still not a slayer of the beast but I do tame it every once in a while. He walked away...in the most cruel of ways. It hurt to breathe and left me emotionally scarred. This was the once in a lifetime love...the kind that you fear would never come about again.

So I met someone recently. Lets just say he broke me of my celibacy. He probably won't be one of those "soul defining loves" he's exactly my type and exactly what I think I need right now. Tall, probably more beautiful than a man should be, incredibly intelligent, fun and of course...unattainable. Wild in a way where it's impossible to ignore. 10 years my senior of course, I figure hanging out with an older guy should give me more perspective. I need to be more open...I need recapture that passion I once had for life...hell..I'm writing again. It feels good to let go.