You have to set yourself on fire
Today was one of those special days. The kind that makes you wish you had the ability to stick your hands in hot coals repeatedly and not get those ugly blisters afterwards. It's been a trying month...year.
My grandfather passed this year. I didn't really get to say goodbye. He didn't know me, he didn't remember... and the added injury of knowing that I was booking the ticket to go see him that very week just makes things burn even more.
Intentionally blocking out the bad makes things easier. I've found my coping mechanism yet when the flood gates are open it all comes crashing down around me.
My uncle passed last month. I went back to Trinidad for the first time in 13 years. It was heartbreaking. My memories seemed so much more pleasant...being back took the fondness away. The only upside seemed to be being in the ocean. There's a different peacefulness that comes from being in something that feels so infinite. Being in the ocean feels like you're being washed of all sins. It's liberating.
I feel as though things have started to improve a bit. I'm not quite sure how...but I am hoping better will come. I just have to keep pushing on. Survival. Surviving becomes a constant during the days..at nights I deal with the unknown stresses I can't seem to face in the light. I miss Matthew. I miss talking with him...
