Thanksgiving

I didn't cry today, probably because I was weak and decided that it's easier to torture myself by speaking with you this week. For gods sake; I'm almost 30. I should have this self control and self worth thing down. I don't. Instead I spent thanksgiving at home alone ignoring the calls of family, ignoring friends. I write and really have nothing to say most days. I'm simply attempting to live..one day at a time. Not crying and feeling broken even if I still feel sad inside seems better.

When the rain falls

It's the first day of November. You lie awake in bed thinking, "why am I here?" The unhappiness and loneliness seeps into your bones like the impending winter. The rain hasn't let up all day and you wonder when it will get better. It's been months, months ago when you felt like it was all coming together. Months ago when everything seemed so much better. You lie here in the dark trying not to let the tears fall again, they threaten to fall every time you forget to force them away. Even when you think to yourself that the lonliness won't be forever, the darkness seems to amplify the nothingness.

I don't want to cry anymore but my heart won't listen. I keep begging whichever God who will listen to unburden me of this sadness. Time isn't doing such a bang up job as I lie here in the dark and cry myself to sleep. Perhaps tomorrow will be better but tonight, I will listen to the rain fall outside and beg for my heart to unbreak.

Stormy

I sit here along the shores of Carolina Beach, listening to the lap of the tides against the sand, watching the storm clouds roll in. Looking for salvation of some kind, praying that mother sea and father rain would wash me clean. I'm broken. The pain so deep I often think will it ever end? Does it ever leave? There's no happiness, I find it so difficult to laugh with genuine mirth. The heavy burden of sadness weighs me down.

I ask myself what's wrong with me? There are moments when I don't cry, when I'm okay. Then out of the blue I just can't contain the flow of salty tears. It's so difficult to stop thinking. Stop the memories. I feel like I've been through the ringer. Every instance so different yet the outcome still the same. What have I done?

The storm clouds on the horizon reminds me of your eyes. Feeling the waves against my legs remind me of your touch. I miss you. I miss your voice, I miss your laugh. I miss feeling whole. When will it ever end? When will I stop loving you?