When brown meets Gray

He pushed me back on the bed, a slight smile on his face. “Relax” he says as he pulls my legs to the edge and drops to his knees. I look down at him between my thighs, bewildered and a bit scared, “I haven’t done this in ages.” Sensing my nerves and the overthinking I’m doing he massages my calves and kisses my knees. I continue to look at him, my eyes trained on his before he moves his hands against my thighs. Gentle caresses ease my mind, “a man is on his knees for you Lane, enjoy it!” The voice in my head keeps chanting. I’m lost in his gray eyes, they remind me of thunder clouds rolling in over a turbulent sea. He’s unconventionally attractive, young and strong, tall and solid but not bulky. His lips look soft and full for a man, his hair cut short and smooth at the top, my friends think looks akin to Bruce Willis, he just doesn’t want to look like Mr. Clean so he keeps it short like Jason Statham. He’s nothing like what I’m usually attracted to, he’s smart yes, but there’s something about how his clothes fit his body and how he smells. How his kisses taste and how my skin is on fire everywhere he touches. With strangled gasps I feel him taste me for the first time and I forget myself and those thoughts of unconvention. My legs bent at the knee almost like a shock to the system they tremble. He knows I’m nervous, senses my shock but plays my body like a finely tuned instrument. He feels me move to get more and I’m rewarded with fingers and more deep kisses. I have to stop, it’s too much! My legs begin to shake, my thighs quiver and close but he doesn’t allow me to escape. Broad shoulders keep my thighs agape, I can’t hide from him, from his demanding lips, probing fingers. It’s intense! I clutch the sheets in my fingers when he moves his fingers up...I’m praying to all the gods I know for him to stop stripping my walls down. The pressure starts building and I’m crying out now, his mouth closes over my sensitive flesh, fingers deep inside, finally I forget to think, hold his head in my hands as I grind against him. I need more! Give me more, please please! I beg the Gods, please don’t take this from me I plead. With a flick of his tongue and a bended finger, I become undone. It’s as if he knew everything I needed, he knew everything I was. There was no hiding anymore, he made me belong. With a smile and a lick of his fingers he rises, I’m a quivering mess, my legs are still shaking. In that moment I knew there’s no going back, I’m his alone, my body won’t recognize anyone else.

Thanksgiving

I didn't cry today, probably because I was weak and decided that it's easier to torture myself by speaking with you this week. For gods sake; I'm almost 30. I should have this self control and self worth thing down. I don't. Instead I spent thanksgiving at home alone ignoring the calls of family, ignoring friends. I write and really have nothing to say most days. I'm simply attempting to live..one day at a time. Not crying and feeling broken even if I still feel sad inside seems better.

When the rain falls

It's the first day of November. You lie awake in bed thinking, "why am I here?" The unhappiness and loneliness seeps into your bones like the impending winter. The rain hasn't let up all day and you wonder when it will get better. It's been months, months ago when you felt like it was all coming together. Months ago when everything seemed so much better. You lie here in the dark trying not to let the tears fall again, they threaten to fall every time you forget to force them away. Even when you think to yourself that the lonliness won't be forever, the darkness seems to amplify the nothingness.

I don't want to cry anymore but my heart won't listen. I keep begging whichever God who will listen to unburden me of this sadness. Time isn't doing such a bang up job as I lie here in the dark and cry myself to sleep. Perhaps tomorrow will be better but tonight, I will listen to the rain fall outside and beg for my heart to unbreak.

Stormy

I sit here along the shores of Carolina Beach, listening to the lap of the tides against the sand, watching the storm clouds roll in. Looking for salvation of some kind, praying that mother sea and father rain would wash me clean. I'm broken. The pain so deep I often think will it ever end? Does it ever leave? There's no happiness, I find it so difficult to laugh with genuine mirth. The heavy burden of sadness weighs me down.

I ask myself what's wrong with me? There are moments when I don't cry, when I'm okay. Then out of the blue I just can't contain the flow of salty tears. It's so difficult to stop thinking. Stop the memories. I feel like I've been through the ringer. Every instance so different yet the outcome still the same. What have I done?

The storm clouds on the horizon reminds me of your eyes. Feeling the waves against my legs remind me of your touch. I miss you. I miss your voice, I miss your laugh. I miss feeling whole. When will it ever end? When will I stop loving you?

When there's nothing left to burn

You have to set yourself on fire

Today was one of those special days. The kind that makes you wish you had the ability to stick your hands in hot coals repeatedly and not get those ugly blisters afterwards. It's been a trying month...year.

My grandfather passed this year. I didn't really get to say goodbye. He didn't know me, he didn't remember... and the added injury of knowing that I was booking the ticket to go see him that very week just makes things burn even more.

Intentionally blocking out the bad makes things easier. I've found my coping mechanism yet when the flood gates are open it all comes crashing down around me.

My uncle passed last month. I went back to Trinidad for the first time in 13 years. It was heartbreaking. My memories seemed so much more pleasant...being back took the fondness away. The only upside seemed to be being in the ocean. There's a different peacefulness that comes from being in something that feels so infinite. Being in the ocean feels like you're being washed of all sins. It's liberating.

I feel as though things have started to improve a bit. I'm not quite sure how...but I am hoping better will come. I just have to keep pushing on. Survival. Surviving becomes a constant during the days..at nights I deal with the unknown stresses I can't seem to face in the light. I miss Matthew. I miss talking with him...

27

It's June 30th 2013. I'm now 27 and these last few years have been interesting. At 21 I met Ray. Ray was 27 and worldly. Entrancing blue eyes and incredibly smart. Oh intelligence...I was a sucker for the smart ones. The ones that could teach you a few things about life and the world. He was unattainable...another one of those characteristics that I seem to be drawn to like a moth to a flame. The unattainable ones reek of passion and adventure...danger and intrigue. It was a whirlwind and as quickly as it began...it ended. It ended with me landing in jail. Apparently I have a temper second to none and though Carrie got the point across in her song...I just ended up with a record. Unfortunately that didn't seem to deter the passion. We fucked each other on and off for another 3 years after that.

Though there were many a love affairs, I opened my heart to Matthew. I was in love with him, the kind that makes you giggle, the kind that makes you question your sanity... that makes you feel. I cried many tears for Matthew. He was perfect. Tall, smart, sensitive...a good soul. He drove me nuts but he thought me patience...something I had never dared to master. I'm still not a slayer of the beast but I do tame it every once in a while. He walked away...in the most cruel of ways. It hurt to breathe and left me emotionally scarred. This was the once in a lifetime love...the kind that you fear would never come about again.

So I met someone recently. Lets just say he broke me of my celibacy. He probably won't be one of those "soul defining loves" he's exactly my type and exactly what I think I need right now. Tall, probably more beautiful than a man should be, incredibly intelligent, fun and of course...unattainable. Wild in a way where it's impossible to ignore. 10 years my senior of course, I figure hanging out with an older guy should give me more perspective. I need to be more open...I need recapture that passion I once had for life...hell..I'm writing again. It feels good to let go.

21

Tomorrow I turn 21. As I look back at the past few years, I'd like to report that I really haven't accomplished anything I set out to accomplish. Yes I went through basic training for the military, yes I made the dean's list and yes I finally lost the coveted virginity. I lost myself.

I lost what I wanted to be, hopes and dreams I had my heart set on achieving at this age. I was going to graduate college, become a great writer, make a difference, become an accomplished woman, capable of love and having someone else be so enthralled that they couldn't see straight. I wanted to be happy.

I sat on my bed today and realised that I suck. Maybe I want to much, maybe I need to try harder...no scratch that I need to stop wallowing in my self pity and do something. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make it right. I'm in debt, something I never dreamed of, I have no job, men want me but only for a short time, and I have no one I can truly feel safe with as a friend. I'm truly alone.

So with this, my first journal on blogger. I make a promise to myself that during my 21st year I will go back to school, find someone who loves me and wants to be with me and I will finally get my life back on track. Let's hope that it'll be more than a productive year.